annap,

Thank you for letting us all know more about the thing that was concerning you. It is indeed a painful subject. I see you have friends here who care what hurts you. I don't know you, but I care too.

I see deep pain nearly every day. (I run a small Red Cross chapter and I am up to my soul in human suffering on a regular basis. As are my Red Cross counterparts in Littleton, Colorado.) To work with, observe, or learn about such pain is itself deeply painful to human beings; and this pain must be addressed if we are to keep our full humanity functioning. And without that, how do we make anything better?

I don't worry so much about being desensitized. I have tools that help me avoid that. I do worry, though, about being paralyzed rather than healed.

I find that there are lots of means of dealing with hurts. One way is to relive them, and this can be very valuable. Me, I prefer, when possible, to weep the tears that release joy into the grief.... to focus so strongly on goodness that it wrings cleansing tears right out of my eyes and my heart. It isn't the same as only seeing what is good and pretending everything is good-- but to put one's attention intensely on the pure power of good can be a powerful tool in prying up the hurts from what is very, very bad. I call it good-news crying. The easiest example is the tears we shed at weddings. Is it because there is a tragedy unfolding at the wedding? No, it is the irresistable restoration of hope that true love may be real after all.

In fact, I spent much of today on just that-- letting the good of the present shine into the dark corners of old abuse memories as I lay on the doctor's table. It was very difficult... The memories were there, and the pain was alive as though more than 40 years had not passed. But the key to using these tears redemptively-- for healing wasted years-- was choosing to accept the memories while fixing my attention firmly on the warmth of my husband's hand. And fixed as well upon the knowledge, which I had intentionally dwelt upon all day, that my life now is pretty wonderful and full of dear friends and allies.

And after such release (and believe me, the tears were wrackingly deep), instead of being sunk in the memories, I am securely rooted in my life and loves-- where I can continue to make the small differences that can make all the difference in the world.

So I would ask you, annap, as you grieve this tragedy, about the dear and strong and marvelous young people you know 'round about you. What is their honor and how glorious is it to see them growing into their lives? How much good pours into the world because they are in it? How much does it matter that they are treated well? What do you see that is brave and loving and courageous, as you look about this world? How precious is life itself?

~Susan~