I can't really understand the chorus, either, so I left your works, but this is how I hear the remaining lyrics:

I've always been the guy with the finger in his nose
When the passport picture gets taken
When the big guys took me out stealin' chickens
It was me caught holdin' the bacon
When they're droppin' a piano from the forty seventh floor
I'm the guy underneath lookin' up
And when the tidal wave strikes a hundred miles at sea
I'm always at the rail throwin' up

The chorus sounds something like

Weepin' how
Somehow I woulda met you anyhow
You fix it up and then holy cow
You folks had oughta see me now....


I was standing in the artsy-fartsy uptown restaurant a few frozen dinners ago
When I stumbled on a waiter full of crepe suzettes
And I ran out the door flambeaux
Then I ran down to Chinatown got myself some soy sauce
And grabbed some moo goo gai-pan to go
When I got wiped out by a stray bean sprout that was landin' on the floor

Chorus

Well I finally got so fed up
I was off to blow my head off
With the gun inside the cash box at the store
Then I thought I'd grab a fistful
Just in case I weren't successful
But instead I got my tie caught in the drawer
When you're ridin' down the road at a hundred miles an hour
And the guy (HITS??) (HE'S??) hitching someplace
Honey don't you be surprised I'll be wipin' out my eyes
If you pass me leavin' dust in my face

Chorus