Never fear........The Amish Australian Pitchfork Moustache Tuner has been thoroughly field tested and it has survived..........Cletus on the other hand spent several nights at the ER. The boy just is a bit ham-handed after having a finger removed in a tragic cam cleat accident and the gouges in his upper lip only required a total of 24 stitches, but that was over a 4 night period so you can see how its perfectly safe. The special "Nosepick" feature worked quite well and was sanitized before shipping. Cletus was very careful and was happy to save the money that he would otherwise have spent on adenoid surgery.

INSTRUCTIONS FOR USAGE *** AAPMT

I. The fork prongs on the AAPMT are just the right distance apart to allow tuning BOTH sides of the moustache at the same time. They are also the same distance apart as a standard 110V outlet. CAUTION: Do NOT insert AAPMT into a wall socket as darkness will result, not to mention having to reset your clocks.

II. With the chrome plated tuners to the top, carefully place one prong on each side of the moustache equidistant from that thing in the middle whatever its called.

III. While holding the AAPMT in your left hand, thwonk the right prong with your right forefinger and tune by screwing clockwise on the right side machine head.

IV. Switch the AAPMT to the right hand and repeat the previous step, but this time using your left hand and turning the machine head screw counterclockwise.

V. Repeat steps III and IV screwing slowly and carefully until you are sure you have been COMPLETELY SCREWED.

GOOD LUCK and remember the AAPMT is guaranteed through "FLY-BY-NITE INDUSTRIES" ... Return the AAPMT to us UNUSED and we'll return any unused portions of your money.

Spaw