In-lawing is a lot like step-parenting. It's important to let the younger person set the boundaries where THEY want them, and to remember that what you have is a special relationship, not like any other that you have, that has to be built one piece at a time even though you may feel very comfortable right off the bat.

The younger one will often be shy about asking for clarification on things that fall into "familyspeak," so misunderstandings can get out of hand if you are not paying attention to how jokes, etc., are going over. With my dau-in-law, I "surfaced" the potential for discomfort by bringing up the potential in advance, and letting her know that I was delighted my son had found his life partner and that I fully concurred with his choice.

I told her point-blank that I was NOT going to be a problem MIL and that I wanted to know if I inadvertently stepped on her toes. She took me up on that to see if I meant it, and since I did, she's very frank with me now if she gets uncomfortable, and she knows that I welcome that. We laugh off the small stuff, together.

She loves having someone in her life who sees my son the same way she does, whose brain she can pick! We spent a lovely afternoon making a new Baby Book for him because his had been fire/water damaged. She interviewed me about each picture and lovingly placed themn in a new book that I encouraged HER to pick out, scanning many of them to her personal file to keep. A lovely day-- although he wasn't sure his baby-ass pix ought to have been shared! :~) We explained that it was all right, everyone has them to live down!

~Susan