Meatberry Pie
by Amy Guskin and Paul Nordquist

My grandmother's famous blackberry pie has always been a winner
So I made it for the Biweekly Vegetarian Co-op Thursday Pot Luck Dinner
Well, the wise old vegan master said "dessert first, that's my motto"
But when he took his first bite, he turned greener than an avocado!
He spat it out, and rinsed out his mouth and said words I can't repeat
But to paraphrase: "these berries are impure, not fit for us to eat"

Well everybody was staring at me like they thought I was satanic
I said "how can that be, the berries are certified USDA organic?"
He said "they may be certified but my taste buds never lie
There are genes transplanted from a cow in this blackberry pie"
Well everyone was up in arms and said it was absurd
So we decided to go to that berry farm and make our voices heard

"We don't want meatberry pie or hogapple sauce
Or cucumbers crossed with snails
Don't give us veggie-veal, or fishy-corn meal,
Or grapes with blubber from whales!
If you offer me oats with genes from goats
Then I will just say 'see ya!'
Although you might not die
From a meatberry pie
It's a berry bad idea!"

Well we got to the farm, and marched right in, but we couldn't believe our eyes
There were combination veggie-beasts of every shape and size
We saw carrot-ducks, zucchini-sheep, and frog-wheat running loose
They had wranglers roping berry-cows -- their whips were stained with juice
They'd mixed pelican with melon to make a songbird called 'pel canto'
And a flightless cabbage-chicken that was worthy of Monsanto
Shortly, we were face to face with the head of the operation
We said, "Mister, stop this travesty of genetic combination!

We don't want meatberry pie or hogapple sauce
Or cucumbers crossed with snails
Don't give us veggie-veal, or fishy-corn meal,
Or grapes with blubber from whales!
If you offer me oats with genes from goats
Then I will just say 'see ya!'
Although you might not die
From a meatberry pie
It's a berry bad idea!"

I thought we'd made an impact with our frank and honest talk
But when I shook his hand, it was a green and leafy stalk
Yes he was 25% broccoli, and 100% nuts!
He laughed an evil laugh and said "My squash can kick your butts.
There's no one who can stop me. Soon I'll be in all your meals!"
We turned and ran right out of there, with soy-dogs at our heels

Well, we grow all our own food now, at our quaint New England farm
You can see it at our web site, live-meat-free-or-die.com
It takes a lot of extra work, but there's one thing that we're sure of
We don't want those extra bits of fauna in our flora

We don't want meatberry pie or hogapple sauce
Or cucumbers crossed with snails
Don't give us veggie-veal, or fishy-corn meal,
Or grapes with blubber from whales!
If you offer me oats with genes from goats
Then I will just say 'see ya!'
Although you might not die
From a meatberry pie
It's a berry bad idea!
It's a berry, berry, berry, cow, berry, berry, berry bad idea!