And now for some one-liners:

Sign in the window of a secondhand shop:
"For sale. Stuff with previous experience."

Golf is played by twenty million mature American
men whose wives think they are out having fun.

There's a book that tells you where you should go
on your vacation. It's called your checkbook.

Nobody ever got their money's worth out of a tube
of Super Glue.

Everyone has an opinion about everything. At
least that's what I think.

The end is near when a Happy Meal costs more
than a share of Delta stock!

I'm not too bad a cook, but my doctor told me to start
eating out.

A person reveals his character by nothing so clearly
as the joke he resents.

Both men and women are fallible. The difference is,
women know it.

I'm from Poland and I demand that the NCAA change
"pole vault" to "stick vault."

Current Republican leadership is more interested
in checks than balances.

Youth would be an ideal state if only it came a little later
in life.

Golf got its name because all of the other four letter
words were taken.

An escalator can never break, it can only become
stairs.

You wouldn't worry about what people think of you
if you knew how seldom they do.

It's too bad for the middle-income person. They
earn too much to avoid paying taxes and make
too little to afford paying them.

Optimist sees only the bagel.
Pessimist sees only the hole.
Pragmatist just eats the bagel.

Blind faith in bad leadership is not patriotism.

Don't worry about what people think, they don't do
it very often.

Nothing written in fine print is ever good news.

Silence doesn't mean your sexual performance
left her speechless.

A good listener is usually thinking about something
else.

Never take a pill that has more side effects than
you have symptoms.

Enjoy yourself NOW! These are the good old days
you're going to miss later.

The world is round; it has no point.

Everyone who hates speeding tickets, raise your
right foot.

Grow angry slowly, there's plenty of time.

My Uncle finally quit smoking. It was a beautiful
service.

When weeding, the best way to make sure you
are removing a weed and not a valuable plant,
is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily,
it is a valuable plant.

Mountain climbers always rope themselves
together, probably to prevent the sensible ones
from going home.

Handling a group of kindergartners is like
trying to keep thirty corks under water at once.

Kraft Foods laid off six thousand workers, and
profits are up. Now they have six thousand more
people living on macaroni and cheese.

Rationalization: A mental exercise that allows you
to lie without the accompanying guilt.

It's a strange world of language in which
skating on thin ice can get you into hot water.

When someone asks you a question you don't want
to answer, smile and ask, "Why do you want to know?"

A man will marry a woman because he needs
a mother he can communicate with.