Well, Old Bob saw this apocalypse coming. All kind folks of Mudcat have opened the door to the Devil, and, being the kind and welcoming, tolerant types that they are, didn't even make him take his shoes off at the security gate. If you had, you'd have seen the cloven hoof.

The Devil is real, and now you know it,because he has possessed Slag, who is now spitting the nastiest, most sulphurous pea soup that you can get without a prescription. You weakly little mortals should have known better than summon him up with that cute christian tweaking chatter, because now he's pretty much going to eat you alive, and no one can save you.

Bob can tell you a fair amount about religion, because he had the great fortune to grow up smack dab in the middle of the Dutch Reformed Triangle, where no one has smiled for one hundred years, because it betrays a lack of piety.

And the Bobmeister learned the hard way that the bitter, woodenshoed Calvinists are masters logic and argumentation. They can argue seven ways from Sunday on the smallest, most obscure point of doctrine. And even if you take good notes, you'll never be able to figure out how one side differs from the other.

Why do they do this? After years of contemplation, Old Bob has come to the conclusion that they do it because they are cheapskates.

The Dutch Reformed folks never go to the movies, or shopping, or even the ball game. They say it is a sin, but really, the reason is that it costs money. Theological arguements are free, and they last longer that a twi-night double header that goes into extra innings.

As a young man, your friend here had an enquiring mind, and read through the bible cover to cover. After that, he was very confused, because try as he might, when he looked at how the God-fearing, Bible-waving Calvinists around him lived, he just couldn't see what it had to do with the teachings of Jesus Christ.

Bob told his Maiden Aunt that on reflection, he felt that "God's People" were really a bunch of backbiting, cheapskate hypocrites, and that, except for the Tulip Festival, they had nothing on anyone else.

She said, "When you were born, I could see that God had marked you for eternal damnation. I'm going to call the FBI."

So he grabbed his banjo, and his girlfriend and they left.

But as they were leaving, she turned around to look back. No, she wasn't turned into a Pillar of Salt, but even today, you can still find her standing near the windmill in Zeeland, Michigan, where she wears wooden shoes, a bonnet, and an apron, and sells Fudge.

This is why, in his home town, at least, Bob is still called, "Bob the Atheist". This is actual a contraction of "Bob,the Atheistic Communist Bastard", which is too long to write out on an envelope.

But it is also where Old Bob learned to stay out of religious discussions. He knows that they are just a cheapskate trick to avoid ponying up for a movie or a ballgame.