I'm trying to figure out what I mean when I say that things are difficult for me at Mudcat sometimes...

First off, I'm specifically talking about threads when the subject of race {Black/non-Black race and race relations} comes up.

In his 25 Feb 08 - 06:34 PM post Richard wrote that "it was rare to see Azizi's mood lift, that it seemed so often to be anchored to a sombre study of actual or perceived prejudice".

That's the thing. I don't want to be somber. One thing that I didn't know about myself that I learned from posting on Mudcat is that I have a wierd sense of humor and I like being witty or at least I like trying to be witty.

The thing is that I come to Mudcat to cool out, to kick back and relax, and engage in some intellectually exchange with folks who think about more than American Idol. Sometimes I really need to get away from it all. And some of what I need to get away from is that four letter word "race". I like being a member of an international community. I like learning about different people and places and cultures. I get energized by those threads.

If I know that a thread is about race, I can open it if I want to and join in the conversation. Or I can lurk or not even open that thread. And I have done each of these things. But what is more difficult for me is what I call being blindsided when I think I'm going to be joining a conversation about another subject and the subject of race comes up-on its and not because I'm there {or I don't think it's because I'm a part of the conversation}.

A lot of times it makes my somber mood come right back again.

Race is a serious subject and sometimes I don't always want to be serious. It's not that I'm uncomfortable talking about race on Mudcat. But particularly when I'm at low energy, it's more than a notion to talk about something that in the best of times can be energy draining.

One reason why this subject drains my energy is that sometimes it's like I'm talking another language and trying to explain a culture that is foreign to other people. And so not only do I have to be careful about what I say, I have to be careful about how I say it. Not only that, but I don't want to hurt people's feelings and I don't want people to perceive me as someone who is always talking about Black stuff {too late for that I know}. But that isn't the real me.

Yet, when I think of it, as I realized when I wrote about race on another Mudcat thread {I guess I do this periodically, don't I?}, in my life from college on, I've been "the only" Black person in a lot of different settings. So there must be something about that which is fated or which I gravitate to {maybe both}.

Btw, Richard Bridge, I agree with your statement that "We should nonetheless.... resist the temptation to airbrush history. A folk song is a folk song. Better not to bowdlerise it and then to discuss its unacceptabe features than to lose or censor the song."

However, I'm much more in favor of the study of songs with the n-word and with 19th century Black dialect than teaching them and encouraging children to sing them.

And, another thing, Richard. What's that you say? You don't always see eye to eye with me? For shame!

But that's okay, Richard. I don't want you or anybody else agreeing with me about everything that I say.

That would be really dull, now wouldn't it?