"Oneliners

Hummingbirds are nature's way of teaching
humility to cats.

It's easier to get older than it is to get wiser.

The ice cream truck in our neighborhood now
plays rap music.

Hawaii is the only U.S. state to produce coffee.

Money talks, but a credit card uses sign language.

The worst thing about censorship is ******************.

Tolerance is letting other people find happiness
in their own way instead of your way.

Only when the plumbing is stopped up do you
realize that a flush is better than a full house.

If you plan for a decade, plant a tree.
If you plan for a century, teach the children.

You may forget with whom you laughed
but you will never forget with whom you wept.

We can never see ourselves as others see us.
Even the mirror image is backwards.

Speak when you are angry and you will make
the best speech you will ever regret.

The next time someone says to you, "Nothing's
impossible," tell him, "Go dribble a football."

I don't know the key to success but,
the key to failure is to try to please everyone.

You can't take it with you... and with high taxes,
lawyer's fees, and funeral expenses, you can't
leave it behind either.

Speaking of immigrants, how did the California
Governator get a green card? Was there a
shortage of body builders in the early '70s?

I'm going to invest my money in taxes.
It's the only sure thing to go up.

Football isn't a contact sport. It's a collision sport.
Dancing is a contact sport.

Winter is nature's way of saying, "Up yours."

The world is coming to an end. Insert 25 cents to
continue.

The only thing lazy people do fast is get tired.

There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental
illness."

They told me I was gullible . . . and I believed them.

As long as we have each other, we'll never run out
of problems.

Shouldn't the National Guard change its name to the
International Guard?

We wouldn't have to drive defensively if so many of you
weren't driving offensively.

Skydiving's good to the last drop.

Organized crime is alive and well; it's called auto
insurance.

Boldly going nowhere.

I just got back from Orlando, and they need to
rename it Tollando.

One thing about children, they never bore you with
pictures of their parents.

Flattery is the best cure for a stiff neck because
there are few heads it won't turn.

Our highways have become insane asylums
with turn signals.

Ten years from now, many antiques will be made
of plastic.

I'm so old I remember "car phones."

On I-80, the official bird of California is a hand
gesture.

Clutter is my trademark.

Nature abhors a vacuum, even in the heads of
statesmen.

Fashion is a form of ugliness so intolerable that
we have to alter it every six months.

Before taking a long trip, fill your tank and empty
your bladder.