I had the opportunity to transcribe this, so I took it:


SHTICKS OF ONE AND HALF A DOZEN OF THE OTHER (A medley)
Allan Sherman
As recorded by Allan Sherman on "My Son, the Celebrity" (1963)

[Tune: Molly Malone]
She wheels her wheelbarrow
Through streets that are narrow,
Her barrow is narrow, her hips are too wide.
So wherever she wheels it,
The neighborhood feels it,
Her girdle keeps scraping the homes on each side.

In Dublin's fair city,
Where girls are so pretty,
My Molly stands out 'cause she weighs 18 stone.
(That's 256 pounds.)
I don't mind her fat--but,
It's not only that--but,
She's cockeyed and muscle-bound, Molly Malone.

[Tune: Auld Lang Syne]
I know a man, his name is Lang, and he has a neon sign,
And Mr. Lang is very old, so they call it Old Lang's Sign.

[Tune: Billy Boy]
Oh, what have you done, Billy Sol, Billy Sol?
Oh, what have you done, charming Billy?
You took almost ev'ry cent from the U S government,
Which you spent on fertilizer, which is silly.

[Tune: Marianne]
All day, all night, Cary Grant.
That's all I hear from my wife, is Cary Grant.
What can he do that I can't?
Big deal, big star, Cary Grant.

[Tune: On the Banks of the Wabash Far Away]
Oh, the moon is bright tonight upon the carwash,
So I'm having my Volkswagen washed again.
But the way things go with me, the way my luck runs,
Just as soon as they're finished, it will rain.

[Tune: On Top of Old Smokey]
On top of Old Smokey, all covered with hair—
Of course, I'm referring to Smokey the Bear.

[Tune: Aura Lee]
Ev'ry time you take vaccine, take it orally.
As you know, the other way is more painfully.

[Tune: Grandfather's Clock]
My grandfather's clock was the best ever made by the Timex Company.
Just like the clock John Cam'ron Swayze displayed last night on the old TV.
Oh, it works under water so perfectly, and it still makes a ticking sound,
Which my grandfather tried only this afternoon, and that's how the old man drowned.

[Tune: Comin' Thro' the Rye]
Do not make a stingy sandwich. Pile the cold cuts high.
Customers should see salami coming through the rye.

[Tune: Polly Wolly Doodle]
Oh, I diet all day and I diet all night.
It's enough to drive me bats.
Got no gravy or potatoes
'Cause the whole refrigerator's
Full of polyunsaturated fats.
Fare thee well, Metrecal, and the others of that ilk.
Let the diet start tomorrow,
'Cause tonight I'll drown my sorrow
In a double malted milk.

[Tune: Down by the Riverside]
When you go to the delicatessen store,
Don't buy the liverwurst.
Don't buy the liverwurst.
Don't buy the liverwurst.
I'll repeat what I just said before:
Don't buy the liverwurst.
Don't buy the liverwurst.

Oh, buy the corned beef if you must,
The pickled herring you can trust,
And the lox puts you in orbit, A-OK.
But that big hunk of liverwurst
Has been there since October first
And today is the twenty-third of May.

So when you go to the delicatessen store,
Don't buy the liverwurst.
Don't buy the liverwurst.
Don't buy the liverwurst.
It'll make your insides awful sore.
Don't buy the liverwurst.
Don't buy the liverwurst.