One verse not complete, but here it is:


THE TOUCH OF THE COCK-UP MAN'S HAND – Dave Houlden

It was in quite good nick the old auctioneer
Thought it would sell rather well
And so he held up the me-lod-e-on
Which immediately started to sell

"Who'll start the bidding, good people" he cried
"Who'll start the bidding for me"
"A hundred dollars and who'll make it two
Two hundred and who'll make it three"

Three hundred dollars and going once
Going and gone, but stay
From the back of the room a denim clad man
Came remorselessly pushing his way

Undoing the straps on the me-lod-e-on
And giving the bellows a heave
He played a tune, a tune of the kind
That the devil would like, I believe

When the racket had finished the old auctioneer
With a face that was creased with a sigh
Then he held up the melodeon
(Dave got this verse wrong and didn't sing it again)

A reluctant dollar, a job to get two
A hell of a job to get three
Three dollars once, three dollars twice
"Going, gone" cried he

But the people all shouted and some of them cried
We do not quite understand
What changed its worth, quick came the reply
The touch of the cock-up man's hand

There's many an enterprise going quite well
Nothing could go wrong you'd say
Then the bottom drops out and you're right up the creek
As in selling this squeezebox today

Scott's last expedition, the R101
Putting up my kitchen shelves
The Tay Bridge disaster, the BL Mistro*
You can finish the list for yourselves

For the cock-up man comes and the foolish crowd
Never can quite understand
The power of a fool and the change that is wrought
By the touch of the cock-up man's hand

Words supplied by Bev and Chris Arscott

* Should this be "Maestro"?

Anyway, I hope it's sufficiently vinegary for your intended purpose!

Kitty