Here they are.

Mick

---

THE PASSENGER'S ALWAYS RIGHT
(Noel Coward)

Carrington:
The woman in cabin forty-nine has lost her diamond brooch.

Joe:
Calm her, Carrington,
Charm her, Carrington,
That's the correct approach.

Hoskins:
A gentleman on the Promenade Deck just called me a lazy slob.

Joe:
Smile at him, Hoskins,
Smile at him, Hoskins,
That is part of your job.

Steward:
The three fat children in B Deck 3
Have thrown their bathmat in the sea.

Shuttleworth:
The silly old broad in Main Deck 2
Has dropped her dentures down the loo.

Joe:
Passengers since the world began
Have been querulous, rude and snooty.
England expects that every man
This day should do his duty.

Weatherby?

Weatherby:
Here.

Joe:
Hoskins?

Hoskins:
Here.

Joe:
Green, Blake, Richardson?

Green, Blake, Richardson:
Here. Here. Here.

Joe:
Crawford?

Crawford:
Here.

Joe:
Shuttleworth?

Shuttleworth:
Here.

Joe:
Smith, Brown, Parkinson?

Smith, Brown, Parkinson:
Here. Here. Here.

Joe:
Where the devil are Bruce and Frome?

Hoskins:
One's got shingles and the other's gone home.

Joe:
Where's O'Reilly and Jock McBride?

Green, Blake, Richardson:
One got married, the other got fried.

Joe:
Carrington?

Carrington:
Here.

Joe:
Brewster?

Brewster:
Here.

Joe:
Where's young Fawcett and Windermere?

Weatherby:
Fawcett stayed at home in bed.

Stewards:
Poor old Windermere dropped down dead.

Joe:
In the course of each cruise
I always choose
To lecture each subordinate.
You're not damned fools
And you know the rules,
So see you all co-ordinate.

Stewards:
We've heard all this before.

Hoskins:
I can't stand any more.

Joe:
Bow, smile, charm, tact,
Never forget one vital fact:

The passenger's always right, my boys,
The passenger's always right.
Although he's a drip
He's paid for his trip,
So greet him with delight.
Agree to his suggestions.
However coarse or crude,
Reply to all his questions,
Ply him with drink - stuff him with food.
The passenger may be sober, boys,
The passenger may be tight,
The passenger may be foe or friend
Or absolutely round the bend,
But calm him,
Charm him,
Even though he's higher than a kite
The passenger's always right.

The passenger's always right, my boys,
The passenger's always right.
Those dreary old wrecks
Who litter the decks
Demand that you're polite.
Don't count on any free time,
Be kind to all the jerks,
And every day at teatime
Stuff 'em with cake...give 'em the works.
The passenger may be dull, my boys,
The passenger may be bright,
The passenger may be quite serene
Or gibbering with Benzedrine,
But nurse him,
Curse him
Only when the bastard's out of sight.
Remember, boys,
The goddamned passenger's always right.


Source: The Lyrics of Noel Coward from Sail Away