Guest David Murray: tough luck, diverticulitis is a bit of a bind. You're probably inflamed because of a slight blockage or even a small perforation, but it will pass. You'll get repeats of this (though hopefully not as severe) for the rest of your life. It can be controlled by (often quite minor) adjustments to diet. One important point is don't let the pressure build up, think of those little balloons, and let it fly regardless of your reputation.

That's the bad news. The good news is, it's not bowel cancer. That's what I was convinced I had when I went for the tests a few years ago. You've never seen a bloke who's just been diagnosed with a chronic medical condition beam so much!