From my good friend and comrade, Len Wallace in his latest newsletter.

WARNING!!!

Empty mouth and all body cavities before reading!!! Failure to do so could result in the complete destruction of keyboard, screen, and pants/shorts/undies/bloomers, and shoes!!!!

My good friend friend and comrade Mike Ferner from Toledo, Ohio sent these puns to me even though he tried worm himself out by shifting the blame to friend Evelyn Palmer. Grit your teeth for some amazing groaners. By the way, Evelyn lives in a town called MOSCOW, Ohio! That’s worth a ponder.

The top 10 winners in the International Pun Contest

1. A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at him and says, "I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger."

2. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says, 'Dam!'

3. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly, it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it, too.

4. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, :I've lost my electron." The other says, 'Are you sure?" The first replies, "Yes, I'm positive."

5. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal ? His goal: transcend dental medication.

6. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. But "Why?" they asked, as they moved off. "Because,' he said, "I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."

7. A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named Ahmal. The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him Juan. Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."



8. A group of friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him.

So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to "persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop. Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that only Hugh can prevent florist friars.

9. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know , walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and, with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him (Oh, man, this is SO BAD, it's good) a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

10. And, finally, there was the person who sent ten different puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.

Okay, okay. I will add an eleventh on my own.

A young couple travels to a little town in Italy for their honeymoon. One evening, as the sun sets they sit down in a restaurant to eat their meal. Softly, in the distance, they hear voices chanting in unison, “Evening! Evening! E-ve-ning!”

This goes on several nights in a row for about 20 minutes each night. Finally, the young man asks the waiter, “Every night around the same time at sunset we hear voices in the distance. What are they?”

The waiter tells them, “About a mile away there is an old, old church where the monks gather round when the sun goes down. That’s some monks chanting ‘evening’.”
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