DECIMALISATION
(Tom Lehrer)

[SPOKEN:] I don't know why it is, but people in London invariably take me for an American, and they come up to me and they say either one of two things: Either they say, "Get out of Vietnam" or they ask, "Tell me, how do you Americans manage with your ridiculous decimal currency?" Well, I'd like to take this opportunity of assuring you that the decimal system is really much simpler. In fact, we have a saying about your money: "Pennywise, the pound is foolish." It's one of those things that hardly anyone says. Tonight, as a sort of hands-across-the-sea gesture, I'd like to explain how easy it will be for you to get used to decimal currency. Supposing you are purchasing a certain item the price of which is now six shillings and five pence, six and five. Now this is how you'd convert it.

[SUNG:] Now five pence is five-twelfths of a shilling
And a shilling of course is five-hundredths of a pound
So five pence then is two cents plus a twelfth of a cent
But of course there's no such thing as a twelfth of a cent,
So you call it two cents and already you've made a profit.

Now six shillings is thirty-hundredths of a pound,
And you add the two cents and get thirty-two cents
And you look for a thirty-two-cent piece
But of course there's no such thing as a thirty-two-cent piece
So you give him a fifty-cent piece and hope for the best.

[SPOKEN:] So he gives you eighteen cents in change, but what you want to know is, how much is that in real money, right? Well...

[SUNG:] As anybody with a master's degree in math can tell you,
If a shilling is five percent of a pound,
Then it's five-hundred percent of a cent,
And so per cent is five times as much as per shilling. Isn't that thrilling?
So how many shillings in eighteen cents?
Why, three, of course, with three cents over,
And that three-fifths of a shilling, or thirty-six fifths of a penny,
Which is seven cents and a fifth of a penny--
But of course there's no such thing as a fifth of a penny,
So you call it seven pence, and there goes the profit you made before,
And it serves you right, you greedy thing!

[SPOKEN:] Now, I can see by your faces that I made my point, and that pleases me, because tonight was a sort of educational experiment, using you as guinea-, I mean, hundred-and-five-cent-pigs. And in a few years I know you'll all be happily singing songs like this:

[SUNG:] I've got two-and-a-half cents.
I've got two-and-a-half cents.
I've got two-and-a-half cents
To last me all my life.
I've got five-sixths of a cent to spend,
And five-sixths of a cent to lend,
And five-sixths of a cent to send home to my wife.

[SPOKEN:] And I do hope that it's all clear to you now, and I'd like to stay and answer questions, but you'll have to excuse me; I have to spend, uh, five-twelfths of a cent. [EXIT.]