Received from a girlfriend.

GIVING UP WINE

I was walking down the street when I was accosted by a particularly dirty, shabby-looking homeless woman, asking for a few dollars for dinner.

I drew ten dollars from my wallet and asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy wine with it instead of dinner?"

"No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the woman assured me.

"Will you waste it on shopping instead of buying food?" I asked.

"No, I don't waste time shopping," the homeless woman said. "I spend all my time trying to stay alive."

"Will you spend this on a beauty salon instead of food?" I persisted.

"Are you NUTS!" exclaimed the homeless woman. "I havent had my hair done in 20 years!"

'Well," I said, "Instead of giving you the ten dollars, I want to take you out for a good dinner tonight! We'll meet my husband at the restaurant."

The homeless woman was stunned. "Won't your husband be furious with you? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell awful."

"That's okay," I told her. "It's important for him to see how a woman looks after giving up shopping, hair appointments, and wine."


THE DUCK

A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich.

The barman looks at him and says, "Hang on ! You're a duck."

"I see your eyes are working," replies the duck.

"And you can talk!" exclaims the barman.

"I see your ears are working, too," says the
duck. "Now if you don't mind, can I have my beer and my sandwich,
please?"

"Certainly, sorry about that," says the barman as
he pulls the duck's pint. "It's just we don't get
many ducks in this pub. What are you doing round this way?

"I'm working on the building site across the
road," explains the duck. "I'm a plasterer."

The flabbergasted barman cannot believe the duck
and wants to learn more, but takes the hint when
the duck pulls out a newspaper from his bag and proceeds to read it.

So, the duck reads his paper, drinks his beer,
eats his sandwich, bids the barman good day and leaves.

The same thing happens for two weeks.

Then one day the circus comes to town.

The ringmaster comes into the pub for a pint and
the barman says to him "You're with the circus,
aren't you? Well, I know this duck that could be
just brilliant in your circus. He talks, drinks
beer, eats sandwiches, reads the newspaper and everything!"

"Sounds marvelous," says the ringmaster, handing
over his business card. "Get him to give me a call."

So the next day when the duck comes into the pub
the barman says, "Hey, Mr. Duck, I reckon I can
line you up with a top job, paying really good money."

"I'm always looking for the next job," says the duck. "Where is it?"

"At the circus," says the barman.

"The circus?" repeats the duck.

"That's right," replies the barman.

"The circus?" the duck asks again. "That place with the big tent?"

"Yeah," the barman replies.

"With all the animals who live in cages, and
performers who live in caravans?" asks the duck.

"Of course," the barman replies.

"And the tent has canvas sides and a big canvas
roof with a hole in the middle?" persists the duck.

"That's right!" says the barman.

The duck shakes his head in amazement, and says,

"What on earth do they want with a plasterer??!"


Eddie