Hey up!! Aah'm ganna be there on crutches this year as aah've had me 'hammer-toe' straightened

Any advice on dodgin' the dog-sh*te on sticks?

Noo aah knaah some of yez by sight so if any of yez are at a Phatt-B'Stards gig, come up and greet me with the traditional 'Hello, you fat sod - Get the beers in!'

I will of course reply with the time honoured response, 'Who the f*ck are you?'