Phone call: Can you play for a st patricks night?
ME: We're an English ceilidh band and specialize in English tunes
PC: can you play any irish music?
ME: no, that's not what we do
PC: are the dances irish?
ME: no, our caller also specializes in English dances
PC: what about songs?
ME: we don't do any songs, it's all English dance music
PC: Country & western?
ME: No sorry, all English traditional instrumental music
PC: OK we'll book you then

On the night:
"I thought you said you were an Irish showband . . .this isn't what we paid for at all"