From Bob Roberts. Don't know if he wrote it. An East Anglian accent helps, but may not be mandatory.

THE OILY RIG

The fishing was bad and the boats laid up,
But me and the boy weren't shirkers,
And a bloke came into our pub one night
And said he wanted workers.

Well he talked like a bit of a Yank I thought,
But he stood us a drink or three,
And said he was building a hoily rig
In the middle of the old North Sea.

He said there was work for all out there
With gas as well as oil
And all he needed was us local lads
Just to do the actual toil.

"How much'd we get?" I ventured to ask,
Cos I've heard those tales before.
He said "A thousand quid." "Is that a month?"
"No - a week: and maybe more."

So I went back home and I told the wife;
But I've heard those tales before;
And I couldn't see no good would come
Of drilling holes offshore.

I'd rather go out on the boat with the boy;
But the old girl started to fret.
She said, "You'll get more in a month out there
Than a whole bloody year with your nets."

So we went along and took the job -
Me and the boy and the tug:
I thought we might get something
If only some beer in the mug.

We worked on a duzzy great platform thing
With a drill that went WEE WEE WEE
And we drilled a duzzy great big hole
In the middle of the old North Sea.

But there weren't no gas, there weren't no oil;
Not a single drop we found.
Then one day the boy he says to me
"Dad, the boat's aground!"

Well, I had a look and the boy was right.
The water was leaving the tug
And going down that hole we made
Like down a bathroom plug.

That looked just like a desert, boy!
It would make a man afraid -
The last of the sea going GLUG GLUG GLUG
Down that duzzy great hole we made.

Just then a hiss and a cloud of steam
Right out of that hole it came
And up there came the Devil himself
Saying "Hoi! What's the bloody game?

You've buggered all my furnaces
And put my fires out,
And Hell's all cold and sodden wet
You pudding headed lout!

Damn you and your hoily rig -
It'd make an angel sob -
If I don't get my fire alight
I'll lose my bloody job!"

So we did some good with our hoily rig -
We doused Hell in a hurry.
And now when you die there's only Heaven
So there ain't no need to worry.