How little did my mother think,
When first she diapered me,
That I would grow up as a link
On the Endless MOAB tree!

She never would have fed me milk
Nor warmed me in her bed
If she had thought I would become
A useless MOAB head.

But she is gone and I alone
Am left to find my way
Yet sometimes when the sun goes down
I can hear her sweet voice say:

"Oh stay away from bullshit, boy!
Speak sooth, or hold yer tongue!"
Oh how I wish I'd heeded her
In the days when I was young,

And how I long her face to view
Once more before I go
And in her gentle ears tell
My sorry tale of woe.

I know the things I long to say
If she were only here
Of how I grew to fall astray
Of bullshit, babes and beer,

I'd tell her all I have done wrong
And this I'd also say:
"I'm proud to be a MOAB, Mom!
I never truusted yer judgement much anywaaaay!"




Caldwell Tupperware Holmes
Anti-Temperance Songs of the Open Plain
Boston, 1894

(Actually Rapaire did not appear on the MOAB until May 12, 2003, and he was already protesting at that time. So maybe he should just be fathered rather than grandfathered. I am sure he would be delighted in any case.)