Beachcomber commented that the plethora of Oz references might be a bit daunting for an Irishman. Well, I think this could well deal with such reservations.

CHOPSTICKS
Col Wilson

There's a little Chinese café, down the road in my home town,
Where they serve the most exquisite Chinese food.
And I used to watch in envy as the patrons scoffed it down,
Using chopsticks, in the way I wished I could.

So I joined the 'Chopstick Users Club' to see if I could gain
The kind of chopstick expertise I'd need
To eat Chinese with chopsticks and, brother, how I trained
To use those sticks with grace, and style, and speed.

I learned the upward looping scoop, the backward twist and lunge;
The plain, the purl, the thrust, the follow-through
'Til I could manage anything, from rice to crumbs of sponge.
Then I knew the time was right for my debut.

There's a little Chinese café, down the road in my home town;
That's where I went to demonstrate my skill.
I ordered prawns and almonds and some wine to wash it down,
Quite determined not a single drop to spill.

Over-confidence, perhaps; luck wasn't on my side.
I admit, what happened wasn't nice;
About to take a mouthful, the 'sticks began their slide
And, 'spang' – the air was filled with prawns and rice.

A lady right across the room fell flat upon her back;
When asked if she was hurt, began to cry;
Accused me of delivering a cowardly attack,
For I'd hit her with an almond in the eye.

I helped her up, apologised, and then she screamed again,
And when I found why, I wished to die.
I looked where she was looking and there I saw, quite plain,
A braised king prawn stuck firmly in my fly.

Of course, she got the wrong idea and worked up to a state,
And, from the Chinese café, out she stormed,
Came back with a policeman and screamed in tones of hate,
"There's a maniac in there – and he's deformed!"

When I proved that I was normal things soon settled down,
And home I went, food-stained and battle-scarred.
There's a little Chinese café, down the road in my home town,
But I don't go there any more; I'm barred.

Cheers, Rowan