The thing is, proper football matches don't have too much of that business of people scoring goals. That's what confused the lads in the England Portugal match.

It's the same way that a game of Snooker is boring when one player pots the balls. It's the sneaky way they frustrate each other that is the real game - and it's the same with football.

At least that's what my son says, and he's the expert. He says it's great though with the international matches, because it doesn't really matter if England loses, unlike when it's your team in the Pemiership. (It's not as if Ireland are in the competition this time...And the good thing with Ireland is noone expects to win, so it's all the better when you do.)

Anyway, while the old cannabis may be the answer for the fans, the players have a different secret weapon: - "They could prove to be the weapon that will help England secure victory against Germany this Saturday and keep the Euro 2000 dream alive. Baked beans are back on the menu for England's footballers after being shown the red card during the World Cup in France in 1998."

Think Blazing saddles.Then think Dambusters March...