Dear Mrrzy,

A little less than 10 years ago, I lost my twin boys (Daniel and Jesse) a few days after birth. I thought my life was over. I wanted it to be over. In a way, it was. Long after I was able to get up in the morning, I couldn't think of any good reason to.

I was a walking zombie for a very long time. One day, while going thru the motions of driving to the grocery store, "You Can't Always Get What You Want" by the Rolling Stones, came on my crappy little car radio. I hadn't felt anything for weeks, and for some reason the absurdity of this trite little sentiment grabbed me and made me laugh.

I cranked the music up until the speakers buzzed, put the windows down in the car, and took a left turn across a field. I parked my car by a river and got out and walked and walked. It wasn't the first time I cried, but it was the first time I was ANGRY while I cried. It was important.

The song still makes me smile when I hear it, because now, all these years later, I remember beginning to feel things again. I can look back on everything that's happened since then, and the wonderful life I have now (which I could never have imagined then) and know that I've got it in me to survive. An important part for me was finally getting really angry at the hand I'd been dealt, and going on anyway. I'd highly recommend it as a song to sing through tears-- at the top of your lungs.

One more thing-- not long after I lost my kids, a grief counsellor told me "When you lose your parents you lose your history, but when you lose your kids you lose your future." It was a powerful quote for me, because that was at the heart of so much of the pain. I lost the future I had seen myself living in, so where was I supposed to live now?

Mrrzy, it's fair to get angry because you've lost the future you saw yourself living in. Deal with that anger however you have to, but keep moving forward. You have to create a new future now, and many of us can attest to that fact that there IS life after grief, and it can be unexpectedly wonderful.

Don't forget, too, that you may have lost the vision you had of your future, but you haven't lost your kids, just their custody. That's sucks, but they still exist in the world, and you still have a future with them. When you can, start figuring out what you want that future to look like, now that you've got new circumstances.

If you try sometimes, you just might find, you get what you need.

Peace PJ