First lady forward, second lady back,
Third lady's finger up the fourth lady's etc.

Professor ---, he was there, he had a tiny thing.
He couldna do a woman, so he did a benzene ring.

There was fucking in the barnyards, fucking in the ricks,
You couldna hear the music for the swishing of the pricks.

Professor ---, he was there; he was out of luck:
He tried to change his axes in the middle of a fuck.

Professor ---, he was there, sitting on the stair,
Working out determinants upon his pubic hair.

The village doctor, he was there; abortion was his trade,
And when the ball was over, his fortune he had made.

The nurse and the doctor went out to watch the moon:
There'll be another little bastard floating down the river soon.

The choir boys, the choir boys, they were a sight to see:
Four and twenty maidenheads hanging from a tree.

The village musician, he was there; he did a nasty thing:
He shoved his trombone up his arse and played "God Save the King".

The bride was in the parlor, explaining to the groom:
The vagina, not the rectum, is the entrance to the womb.

One and twenty harlots cam down frae Aviemore,
Twenty single-shafted, but the last was double-bore.

The village chemist, he was there; he was rather sly,
Sitting in the lavat'ry and selling Spanish fly.

The Principal's wife, now she was there, sitting down in front:
Yackety-yackety-yackety-yackety-SHUT YOUR FUCKING ****!

The undertaker, he was there, dressed up in a shroud,
Swinging from the chandelier and pissing on the crowd.

The vicar's daughter, she was there; she kept us all in fits,
Jumping from the banister and landing on her tits.

Fucking in the parlor, fucking on the stairs --
You couldna see the dance floor for all the curly hairs.

When the ball was over, they put it to the test:
Of all the fucking goings-on, the fucking was the best.