GLOSSARY OF MUSICAL TERMS
        •        string quartet: a good violinist, a bad violinist, an ex-violinist, and someone
               who hates violinists, all getting together to complain about composers.

        •        detaché: an indication that the trombones are to play with their slides removed.

        •        glissando: a technique adopted by string players for difficult runs.

        •        risoluto: indicates to orchestras that they are to stubbornly maintain the
                correct tempo no matter what the conductor tries to do.

        •        crescendo: a reminder to the performer that they have been playing
                or singing too loudly.

        •        a cappella: what a guitarist sings when he forgets the chords

        •        conductor: a musician who is adept at following many people at the same time.

        •        transposition: the act of moving the relative pitch of a piece of music that is
               too low for the basses to a point where it is too high for the sopranos.

        •        vibrato: used by singers to hide the fact that they are on the wrong pitch.

        •        agnus dei: Doris's sister, a nun who writes sacred cantatas.

        •        half step: the pace used by a cellist when carrying his instrument.

        •        coloratura soprano: a singer who has great trouble finding the proper note,
               but who has a wild time hunting for it.

        •        contemporary "r & b" singer: (See "Coloratura soprano.")

        •        beat: what the bodhran player does to his instrument while the musicians
                fantasize doing to the bodhran player

        •        cadence: when everybody hopes you're going to stop, but you don't.

        •        virtuoso: a musician with very high morals. (I know one)

        •        music: a complex organizations of sounds that is set down by the composer,
               incorrectly interpreted by the conductor, who is ignored by the musicians,
               the result of which is ignored by the audience.

        •        oboe: an ill wind that nobody blows good.

        •        big band: when the bar pays enough to bring two banjo players.

        •        clef: something to jump from before the viola solo.

        •        melodic minor: Appalachian banjo player who works for the Peabody Coal Co.

        •        plague: a collective noun, as in "a plague of conductors."

        •        audition: the act of putting oneself under extreme duress to satisfy
               the sadistic intentions of someone who has already made up his mind.

        •        accidentals: many notes and chords hit by beginning players.

        •        hocket: what the bass player does with his axe to meet the rent.

        •        musica ficta: when you lose your place and have to bluff until you find it again.

        •        quaver: beginning viol class.

        •        ritornello: a Verdi opera.

        •        stops: something Bach didn't have on his organ.

        •        transsectional: an alto who moves to the soprano section.

        •        ritard: the guy who wrote "Achy Breaky Heart."

        •        relative minor: a bluegrass player's girlfriend.

        •        bar line: a queue of people, often including a musician or two.

        •        neumatic melishma: a bronchial disorder caused by hockets.

        •        treble: what bluesmen say women ain' nothin'but.

        •        pianist: the musician who's had the most beer.

        •        pianissimo: what he does on the grass after he's had a few more.