I offer my devoted services, both to the noble Scarah and to the people of America.

My incisive mind can cut to the bone of these anaemic political rumours encircling the nation, to sink into the sharp truth of our economic needs and extract the iron of abundance. I will suck the blood of the nation in order to ingest honour, valour and the energy of the youth of the nation. Like a bat consuming a moose, i will cling to the lovely Scarah and follow her on a trail of destruction, feasting on the innards of blood left in trails by the bodies of our enemies.

I offer my valiant spirit to consume the bleeding hearts of the feeble opposition, to chew their dangerous liberal licentiousness and tread their treasonous pro-terrorist wimpish followers into the dust.

There will be a sausage sizzle outside my place on Friday 13th at midnight, please bring a donation and a friend!

Vlad