In Perth, in the 70s and 80s, there was a folk club called the Stables run by Stan Hastings who had a wonderful repertoire of humour. He used to do this monologue and this is it, to the best of my memory. Now he may have changed the odd word along the way, but I think this version is pretty complete! Enjoy it all!


THE PYRAMIDS

In Biblical days, so the good book says, the pyramids grew very big.
The contractor's name was Pharaoh, and he was a right old pig.

He had all sorts of gangsters armed to the teeth, and he paid them time and a half,
With a bonus every Boxing Day, in the shape of a fatted calf.

They roamed the country far and wide, kidnapping women and kids,
And all sorts of Jewish brickies to work on the pyramids.

If your father carried a hod, or your mother drove a mixer,
You could bet the old ones' pension that Pharaoh's baddies would fix her.

You weren't allowed to make a brew, and if they caught you having a sarni,
The 'gyptians would likely do their nuts and Pharaoh would go barmy.

McDonalds and KFC weren't going then, and there wasn't any union,
Just Pharaoh's chargehands with their rawhide whips, and the treatment was something inhuman!

Now Moses was driving his dumper one day, on the site of Pharaoh's new tomb.
"You'd think they'd cremate the bugger," he said. "It wouldn't half save them some room!"

"Oh, Moses save us," his people cried, "from this wicked captive fate."
And Joshua, being a prophet, said, "We'll beat them, in uh … 1968!"

"That's a right lot of help," said Moses, "but don't you take this amiss,
'Cause I've had the hard word from the heavy gang upstairs, and the position, roughly, is this:

Two big angels took me up on the mountain, and they sat me down on a rock,
And they shoved a choc-ice into me hand, it was all a bit of a shock;

And playing their harps, they said 'Moses, don't you give up hope!'
And they showed me a film called 'The Ten Commandments', in colour and Cinemascope!

All our mob came out on the winning end, 'cause Pharaoh's shower got sunk,
'Cause we opened the lock gates on the Suez Canal the night that we done the bunk!

Then the boss upstairs in a vision says, 'It's a piece of cake, Mose, you know.
Just go on the bounce to Pharaoh and say, "Hey, let my people go!"'"

So Moses went to Pharaoh and he caught him on the hop.
He was making plans for a pyramid with a revolving caf on the top.

"Now listen here, mush," says Moses. "You've hung onto us, you know,
But if you saw what happened to Yul Brynner, you'd let my people go!"

"Get outta here!" roared Pharaoh, "or I'll have youse all on nights,
And don't come here with all that fanny about a load of civil rights!"

"Oh, well, you've had it now," said Moses. "This is the bloody finish.
I'm gonna get Gabriel and a couple of angels to mokker your draft Guinness!"

And raising his eyes to the heavens, he called down the heavenly wrath.
From this day forth, the Guinness is flat. On the top there'll be no froth!

It'll never pull out of the barrels. It'll squirt from out of the pumps.
It'll rot in all the pipelines and clog in dirty big lumps."

"On your bike!" roared Pharaoh. "You wouldn't dare curse the ale!"
"Oh, wouldn't we then!" sneered Moses, and all the Egyptians turned pale.

"Hey boss," they said as one, "you'd better let his people go!
For if the old draft Guinness goes on the blink, we'll hand in our whips, you know.

Bugger you and your pyramids! If there's no Guinness, we'll all go slow.
And if he's got friends in heaven, you'd better let his people go!"

"You rats, you cowards!" said Pharaoh. "You shower of yellow gits!
If you had to go and fight a war, I'd hate to be taking bets!

All right, Moses, you've won," he said. "Take all your mob out of me sight.
I'll lend you a couple of lorries. Be gone by tomorrow night."

So they all packed into these vehicles and away the Israelites went,
And Pharaoh, he done a dance of rage on top of his battlements.

Now Aaron says to Moses, "Hey Mo, that was a bit strong.
Would you really have knackered the 'gypt's Guinness? That would have been awful wrong."

"No, lad, I was bluffing," said Moses. "I was bluffing from start to finish.
I couldn't do a thing like that, especially to Guinness!"