I can't really remember how many certificates I've got. A lot, but I'm sure as hell not going to go and count them. There's one for cycling proficiency when I was 9, I think. Yes, I've got a forklift truck driving one too, which I did in Germany while supporting myself at university. So I've had jolly old times on the shop floor too WAV. DON'T suggest we meet and compare notes. Lots for music grades too, but no-one round here thinks THEY mean much. However, if WAV were to take a crash course in sight reading he might sound a bit less painful.

What pisses me off even more than those who think performing trad music is easy and any old crap will do are the ones who try to hijack it for their own nefarious purposes. I will never tolerate the vaguest whiff of vile nationalism or Aryan superiority and have argued and written against such tainted ideology since 1969 when I first wrote a column. There are many musicians and activists who have contributed here who are far more qualified than I am to tell you where to get off. But when it comes to oppression of minorities on the grounds of race, or trivialisation of women on the grounds of gender, I claim first place in the queue to slap you very hard.

Just one last thought to encourage you to run away and hide for ever. I was the first woman to report from a National Union Of Mineworkers conference. I can handle Arthur Scargill. You're a doddle. AND I played Nkosi Sikele i Afrika from the platform (go on, tell me I shouldn't have done that in England, if you dare).