If its at a Rangers V Celtic match - no chance

One way to get a Mac to shut up is tell him that the oil belongs to England.

Another one is to put your hand up his Kilt with ice cold hands and grab em.

Seriously if you go to this website and this forum group and post your query (you will need to join) http://forums.techguy.org/69-apple-macintosh/

Very very unusual if they can't solve a problem - it can take time to get a result if it is a complex issue. Worth a try though.