MY IDEAL FOLK FESTIVAL

Well, of course, I get to pick the artists appearing, and their set lists will be submitted to me for approval 30 days before the event. Festival sites can be difficult to find and so a chauffeur driven limo will pick me up and deliver me to site where a steward will be allocated for my use throughout the festival period. All venues will have waitress service and a menu will be available listing all of the finest real ales and those ciders which glow in the dark. Concerts will start (and finish) when I'm good and ready and a reserved front row seat made available. That seat will incorporate a port-a-potty because I have no intention searching for a loo or missing anything. I will have constant remote control of the sound desk ensuring perfect sound (for me) throughout all concerts.

My tent will have been erected (by my steward) not more than 10 paces from my chosen venue and that area will become a late night area if I say it is, but if I want to go to sleep everyone will be quiet and go to bed.

There will be a fully equipped hospital on site (I may get a headache), kennels to accommodate visitor's dogs, a baby sitting service and a crèche for children, and a bank (where 100% of my money is safe) and a financial advisor.

I don't think this is too much to ask.

Oh, and of course, the festival should be FREE.