When the tower of Babel fell It caused a lot of unnecessary Hell. Personal 'rapport' Became a complicated bore And a lot more difficult than it had been before, When the tower of Babel fell.
The Chinks and the Japs And the Finns and Lapps Were reduced to a helpless stammer, And the ancient Greeks Took at least six weeks To learn their Latin grammar.
The guttural wheeze Of the Portuguese Filled the brains of the Danes with horror, And verbs, not lust, Caused the final bust In Sodom and Gomorrah.
If it hadn't been for that Bloody building falling flat I would not have had to learn Italiano And keep muttering 'Si, si' And 'Mi Chiamano Mimi' Like an ageing Metropolitan soprano!
I should not have had to look At that ghastly little book Till my brain becomes as soft as mayonnaise is, Messrs Hugo and Berlitz Must have torn themselves to bits Dreaming up so many useless useful phrases.
Refrain 1: Pray tell me the time, It is six, It is seven, It's half past eleven, It's twenty to two, I want thirteen stamps, Does your child have convulsions? Please bring me some rhubarb, I need a shampoo, How much is that hat? I desire some red stockings, My mother is married, These boots are too small, My Aunt has a cold, Shall we go to the opera? This meat is disgusting, Is this the town hall?
Refrain 2: My cousin is deaf, Kindly bring me a hatchet, Pray pass me the pepper, What pretty cretonne, What time is the train? It is late, It is early, It's running on schedule, It's here, It has gone, I've written six letters, I've written no letters, Pray fetch me a horse, I have need of a groom, This isn't my passport, This isn't my hatbox, Please show me the way To Napoleon's tomb.
Refrain 3: The weather is cooler, The weather is hotter, Pray fasten my corsets, Please bring me my cloak, I've lost my umbrella, I'm in a great hurry, I'm going, I'm staying, D'you mind if I smoke? This mutton is tough. There's a mouse in my bedroom, This egg is delicious, This soup is too thick, Please bring me a trout, What an excellent pudding, Pray hand me my gloves, I'm going to be sick!