Most of that's another R-word, ridiculous, IB...so, going with the flow, I'll just address this bit "And the corks dangling around your hat are a bit of a giveaway too..." crikey/blimey mate/pal...I've only got one thing a-dangling off my hat - a strap, attached by a chap on that West-End Newcastle road where they have all the motorbike shops, designed with stong westerly winds in mind.