Well, I've finally come to an inescapable contusion...sorry!...I meant conclusion. It's never gonna work out between me and Hillary. It's over. Done. Finished. Our relationship is kaput. Yesterday. History. Passe. Dead and gone. Six feet under. Pushin' up the daisies. We are an ex-item.

There were a number of things that led me to this sad, but inevitable denoument.

1. My failure to arrange a dinner date with Hillary. At first I thought it was just that she was too busy campaigning. I figured that after Obama won the primary thing, she would have more time for us. It didn't turn out that way.

2. The fact that she has not returned my last 500 phone calls. Up to call # 499 I didn't take that personally. After all, she's a very busy woman. But 500? Well, that seems to be a symbolic number in my mind. A watershed. A defining moment. The shark has definitely been jumped on this one.

3. Then there are the flowers and candies and the handcrafted Himalayan jade vibrator that were returned in the mail. But I'm not going to go on about that. It hurts too much.

Well, I know when there's no use beating on a dead horse any longer. I'm not stupid, eh?

I can shrug this whole thing off and get on with my life. The sun will still rise tomorrow. Birds will sing and butterflies will do whatever the heck it is that butterflies do. Hamsters will still run on their exercise wheels. Chongo will still drink and scratch himself down there.

But the real truth is that I have finally found her. I'm talkin' about I have found "the one". The ONE woman for me! Yes! And I am so amazed that I would have wasted all that valuable time pursuing Hillary Clinton...that cold, heartless, ice-in-her-veins, overambitious, callous, power-suited harpy! Pah! Who needs Hillary? Who, I ask you??? Not me.

No sirree...because I have found the most fascinating and incredible woman in the world...the woman who MUST be mine!

This gal is a real go-getter. She has nerve and spunk. She has amazing legs and a great smile and a sly wink that just makes me go all shivery. Oh, yeah! And she has the damn sexiest librarian's hairdo and glasses that you could ever ask for, and she says things like "Gotcha!" and "gonna" and "hafta"....and she could be president of the USA someday soon.

Yup, I am talkin' about the delectable Sarah Palin, Miz Dynamite herself, the gun-totin' gal from Alaska.

Man, I feel great now! Smell that fresh Alaska air! It's so clear you can see all the way to Russia on a good day. Hoo-Wah! Lookit them varmints run! This is gonna be the year to remember for me and Sarah.

(I just gotta do somethin' about that danged dipwipe husband of hers...)