As one of the world's great weather-producing areas, we don't need tall tales. Not here in the middle of the Midwest.

Like that last ice storm we had. When was that, 2003? Ice dropped out of the sky for days, freezing to trees, cars, and pavement. All was silent except for the crashing of limbs and the exploding of transformers. Everybody who could stayed home and tried to keep warm.

(Some burbies, of course, could not survive without cable TV, so they fired up generators which put-putted day and night, driving the neighbors crazy. The weaklings way out!)

For most people, the way to keep warm was to get under blankets, get out a flashlight and read a book. IQ's were up and crime was down, areawide. Of course, some people's fancy turned to thoughts of love, but when the first reports came out of hospitals treating frost-bitten buttocks, that trend died out. Besides, what can you really get up to with three kids, your dog and your cat in the bed?

People soon realized that it had not been a good idea to buy that fancy stove with the electronic ignition. Natural gas was available, but there was no way to light it! (Same for the furnace, of course.) Instead of roasting a turkey to both feed and warm, dads had to slide out to the icy yard and fire up the barbecue grill. This turned to a source of profit when somebody thought to capture the frozen smoke and ship it to New York in refrigerated trucks. New Yorkers will eat anything if you put it on a bagel.

Work has started on an electronic-ignition device which is powered by a charcoal briquet, but nobody has figured out the carbon-monoxide problem yet.

Never mind that. The smoke sales led a group of Kansas City Art Institute students to start another profitable venture. They captured the frozen tendrils of mist from hot baths and sold it to Martha Stewart, Inc., which marketed it in northern Canada for Christmas decorations. They look real pretty if you put colored lights behind them and stick them on the igloo.

Finally, some food producers shipped ice-covered twigs to California, calling them 'Celestial Sparkle Brand, 100% natural, high-fiber frozen treats.' Sales were pretty good in the health-food stores, but they dropped off once the makers tried to switch to bottled water. They just didn't taste the same.

Things got so bad that the DH and I actually spent one evening at his office (which had power) and watched a movie on his computer. 'Caddy Shack!' Yuck! Even that was better than spending hours in a house that's winter cold and has no fireplace.

Words can't convey how my heart leapt up when we left the office, turned the corner to our street and saw that the streetlights were all on.