Great stuff, Nick.
I'm listening to the earlier version and really enjoying it.
The guitar could probably go up for just the first few bars and then right back down to where you've got it.
I'd add a little reverb to your vocals and then just a touch more to the harmony. Helps create the illusion of "Distance".
I've been collaborating a bit over at http://www.twotrackmusic.com/
(don't know if that link is working) You may want to go there for an opinion.
It's a fairly new site, dedicated to home recording buffs like yourself.
Safe & Friendly.
In the meantime, I'm glad that you're taking your time with this.
Your demo should be nothing short of your very best.I have repaired your link, Jim. You forgot to put the "http://" in front of the .com addy. best, Muderator