"Your honor, these men have been spreading completely slanderous stories about my client!"

"And your client is whom, Counsellor?"

"Chongo Chimp, your Honor."

"And he retained you to prosecute these men, did he?"

"Well, no, your Honor, not exactly. His primary liaison officer, Little Hawk, retained me."

"I see. And did Mister Chimp then explain his case to you against these men?"

"No, sir. It was explained to me, and the evidence for it provided, by Little Hawk."

"Hmmmm. Well, did this Mister Chimp agree to this prosecution at any point?"

"Well, your honor, Little Hawk says he did."

"Counsellor, have you even met your client yet?"

"Well, not directly. Little Hawk has relayed all communications between us. But that does not change the fundamentals of our case, your Honor."

"We will reserve judgement, Counsellor, as far as that is concerned. So what is it that Mister Chump asserts these men have done to his harm?"

"That's Chimp, your Honor. Chongo Chimp. Your honor, one of them invented an imaginary headline stating that the other had had to intercede on behalf of a drunk chimpanzee. The story is scurrilous and false."

"I see. Was Mister Chump, your client, referred to in the headline?"

""Chimp", your Honor. Chongo Chimp. ANd not directly, but in the context of the discussion there was no question of the libelous intent."

"How so? What was being discussed?"

"The ending of Chongo Chimp's candidacy for President of the United States, your Honor".

"Well, why have I never heard of this candidacy??? I have been following all the political news very closely, Counselor. I have never heard of Mister Chimp. And what kind of a name is that, anyway? When did he declare this candidacy? What party did this man think he was a candidate for??"

"Well, er, your Honor, Chongo Chimp is not, that is...well his candidacy was a fiction, your honor, but it was being discussed as though it were real...".

"Oh? Like a high-school mock election? ANd what party did this man represent in this pretend election?"

"Well, you see...your Honor...um, that is...Chongo Chimp is not actually a man."

"What? Not a man??? A woman, then?"

"Well, no your HOnor, not a human, exactly...".

"Not human???? Not HUMAN??? Counselor you had better have an explanation for this, and it had better be good. Are you telling me that he was actually the drunk chimp in the headline? Are you trying to bring a lawsuit on behalf of a chimpanzee, Counselor????"

"Well, your Honor, not exactly."

"Explain yourself, buster, and make it fast. You are wasting my time. Who exactly IS your client and what sort of creature is he???"

"Well, your Honor...that is...I suppose he is sort of a playmate to the representative, Little Hawk. A sort of...well, perhaps he should be called an imaginary playmate....".

"BAILIFFFFF!!!! GET THIS PERSON OUT OF MY COURTROOM!!! If he reissts slap him in cuffs and put him in the slammer for contempt!!!   OUT!!!!!! OUT!!!!!!"

---

Yeah, it would my head spin, all right!!