"Basic Guide For Scientists"

I.   Science Classification

1. If it's green or it wiggles, it's part of Biology.

2. If it stinks, it's Chemistry.

3. If it doesn't work, it belongs to Physics.


II. Rules for Laboratory Workers

1. When you don't know what you're doing, do it
neatly.

2. First draw your curves, then plot the data.

3. Experience is directly proportional to the equipment
ruined.

4. Experiments must be reproducible. They should all
fail the same way.

5. A record of data is essential. It indicates you have
been working.

6. In case of doubt, make it sound convincing.

7. Do not believe in miracles, rely on them.

8. Teamwork is essential in the lab. It allows you to
blame someone else.

9. Always leave room to add an explanation when it
doesn't work.

III. Finagle's Laws, Creed, and Motto

1. First Law- If anything can go wrong with an
experiment, it will.

2. Second Law- No matter what result is anticipated,
there is always someone willing to fake it.

3. Third Law- No matter what occurs, there is always
someone who believes it happened according to his
pet theory.

4. Fourth Law- No matter what the result, there is
always someone eager to misinterpret it.

5. Creed- Science is truth. Don't be misled by facts.

6. Motto- Smile; tomorrow it will be worse.