'Melodeonboy

please perform "Christmas on the Estate" this weekend at the Good Intent?'

Thank you, Virginia. It'll be a pleasure. (For details, see the Wassail at the Good Intent thread.)

And here, as promised, are the lyrics:

CHRISTMAS ON THE ESTATE

(To the tune of "Rockin' around the Christmas Tree")

There's nothing around the Christmas Tree 'cos the burglars come last night,
We didn't even hear a thing 'cos we were wrecked on Diamond White,
We don't know who did the job but we'll get back our loot,
We're a couple of big lads with a van and we'll raid the next car boot.

We'll won't tell the coppers that we've had the pikeys round,
If we did, then we'd be sorry 'cos most of it fell off the back of a lorry.

The kids' DVDs and PS3s are gone and it's not fair,
They won't have a single piece of bling when they go back into care,
But everything will be all right, we'll do as we've done before,
We'll wait till they've gone to their granny's house and then we'll burgle them next door.

(To the tune of "I saw Mummy Kissing Santa Claus")

I saw Bazza mugging Santa Claus, right outside the Dog & Duck last night,
The lead pipe gave a thud, and there was lots of blood,
Flowing from his head wound on his beard so snowy white,
If I grassed on who mugged Santa Claus, they'd beat out of me seven shades of shite,
And the cops will soon be here to get their share out of the gear,
That Bazza nicked off Santa Claus last night.

(To the tune of "Oh, Little Town of Bethlehem")

Oh, little town of Sittingbourne, I hate it when you're shut,
I can't get pissed at Bunter's Bar or hang around Pizza Hut,
All the pubs are shut, so I can't get a pint or game of pool,
But at least it's just another ten days 'fore I go back to school.


(To the tune of "The Twelve Days of Christmas")

On the twelfth day of Christmas my partner and me had

Twelve different kids by
Eleven different fathers
Ten Benson & Hedges
Nine, niniety-nine for
Eight chicken nuggets
Watney's Part Seven
Six-pack of Stella
Five......ring......tones
Four-bedroomed house
Free rental
Too much to drink and
A 52" plasma TV

I've rewritten some of the lyrics, but I'm not the original songwriter.