Transcribed from the video at YouTube, where it is reportedly sung by Wounded John Scott Cree live at Brighton in 1976.

The tune is a familiar one; it is also used for THE NIGHTINGALE or THE GRENADIER—the one with the chorus that ends: "And they both sat down together for to hear the nightingale sing."

THE PUB SONG

One night I went out to a pub for a beer.
"That's 2p," said the barman, and he wasn't a queer.
I said, "In that case, are you having one too?"
And he said, "Cheers! I'll have 1p's worth with you."

I felt a bit peckish, so I ordered some crisps.
I said, "Give us one bag; no, look: make it six."
He went under the counter and lobbed them to me.
I said, "How much is that?" He said, "Nothing. They're free."

I thought, "What's the catch?" so to clear up my doubt,
I ordered a bottle of scotch to take out.
He went and he got it and gave it to me.
I said, "How much is that?" he said, "17p."

I thought it was Christmas, and funnily, it was,
And I realized I had no booze in my house,
So I ordered his entire stock of spirits from him.
He said, "Look, I'm sorry: we've run out of gin."

So I said, "Well, worse things can happen at sea.
Give everyone a drink and charge it to me."
There was two or three hundred, but that's what he did.
He said, "Sorry, all together, I'm afraid that's a quid."

I thought something was wrong and it started to nag.
It was then that I realized I'd run out of fags,
So I ordered two hundred to Piccadilly(?),
And of course all he charged me was 17p.

I thought it was time that the landlord was there.
The bloke said the landlord was busy upstairs.
I asked him, "What doing?" He said, "Here's the rub:
What he's doing to my wife I'm doing to his pub."