"Post-Christmas: Santa's Pet Peeves"

Kids who refuse to believe that it's fruitcake
on your breath and not booze.

When the last guy to use the beard leaves
bits of his lunch in it.

Even with the costume, people recognizing
you from "Crime Watch."

Parents who get all uptight when you offer
their kids a swig from your hip flask.

Enduring the taunts of your old buddies from
Drama School.

Those dorks in the Power Rangers costumes
get all the babes.

Kids who don't understand that Santa's been
a little jittery since he got back from 'Nam.

Lap rash.