I have no idea if Derek wrote this but he sang it on a record I had many years ago.

SHE LOVED A PORTUGUESE

  C                     Dm                  G7    F     G7     C
  I fell in love with a fair young maid that in Camden did reside,
                   F           G7           F      G7        C
  And I did live in Shoreditch, which was a one-and-fourpenny ride,
        G7
  But there was a fly in the ointment, as you very soon will perceive,
        C                  Dm        G7     F        G7     C
  'Cos although I loved her oh so well, she loved a Portuguese.

One night I saw them together and I opened my mouth to speak,
But the sight I saw before me made me shut my mouth up quick,
For they were a-sitting there. They was laughing and holding hands,
And he was a-seducing her with pints and Babychams.

He was a nasty piece of work. Gonzales was his name,
And there he was a-dallying with the honour of my dame,
So I resolved to kill him, though I knew it was a sin,
'Cos I didn't like Portuguese in general and in particular I didn't like him.

So I followed him home to his lodgings, which was in Millwall or thereabouts,
And I followed him up an alley and I turned him inside out,
And muttering jealous oaths and things, I bashed him black and bluer,
And I lifted up a manhole cover and I bunged him down a sewer.

Now when she heard what I had done, she made my life a hell,
So just for the sake of peace and quiet, I done her in as well,
And now I'm up before the Beak to answer for my crime.
He said, "I don't like what you did first off, my son, but I'll forgive you the second time."

Here's the moral:
Now love and jealousy are dangerous passions. I should never have intermixed 'em,
And I should have been much wiser, 'cos now I languish here in Brixton,
And it's all for the love of a fair young maid that in Camden did reside.
Yes, it's all for the love of a fair young maid I got thirteen years inside.
^^

Changed from all caps. --JoeClone, 28-Jul-02.