What's the difference between a chambermaid in the daytime and at night?
In the daytime she's fair & buxom.

Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help you God?
If I could do that, I'd *be* God.

St Peter, I'm bored. May I try Hell for a while?
You're there.

How many guacas are there in a guacamole?
Avocadro's number.

There's a hint of fall in the air.
Don't talk with your mouth full.

That is true, but it is not important.
Importance is not important. Truth is.

Masochist: Hurt me!
Sadist: No.

What has six eyes, but can't see?
Three blind mice.

Who was Aristotle's purple pupil?
Alexander the grape.

Why do so many people smoke after intercourse?
Inadequate lubrication.

I need a man who can say no to me when I talk nonsense. Are you that man?
No.

inanimate
inaminute

Sir, my heart belongs to another man.
I have never aspired so high as that, Madam.