This horrible joke came through on the old-time music list some time ago.

WARNING! This may be offensive to some folks!

New multi-purpose instrument wax!

Amazing new spray-on coating is organically extracted from foreskins and when evenly applied, is BARELY noticable. After allowing the new skin to dry, gently stroke your instrument and it will ENLARGE YOUR VIOLIN!!!

2 quick strokes will enlarge your violin from a 3/4 size to a Strad Grand Model before your very eyes.

4 more gentle strokes will enlarge your grand size violin to a viola. VIOLA!!!

Eight more strokes and you are well on your way to a cello.

Stroke all night for a STANDUP BASS!!!!!

Some shrinkage may occur in cold weather, check your local weather report before concerts. Some instruments will go flat during performance. Product not guaranteed against misuse or mishandling.