OK, here goes:

Kendall and the Kitchen

Captain Kendall was a lonely man
In the Autumn of his years.
But then one day, he got tired of being lonely
So he went way off to the east
And when he came back
He had a wife with him.
She was strange you know
(and bossy as all get out)
People liked her.

She was good for Kendall
And she kept him busy
And winter come to summer
They were happy.

Kendall had a kitchen then
(an old kitchen)
I think it had a lug sail in it
(Among other things)
He'd go off to garage sales three four days at a time
Looking for parts for it.

Oh his wife was sad then.
She never liked to see him go.
She'd go down and call him:

Blimey Blimey Blimey
That kitchen's a bloody tip
I need a sink, I need a loo
And your dickey shoulder's sure to rip.

He said that he could hear her twenty miles away.
And when he heard her, he go to Erlon's
And hide for a while.
Jacqui'd wander 'round the yard sales.

She was a Limey you know
Everybody knew it even Kendall
He knew it
But no one would say it to his face.

Then one day in that year's autumn
He got it into his head to renovate the kitchen
An inch at a time.

But she says "No. Please ! Not the kitchen!
I've gotten used to running water and electricity!"

"Kendall Kendall Kendall
Leave the kitchen be
Water and electrics don't mix
And oh but I do fear for thee."


But Kendall's not afraid of a project
He fixed a door once
He puts his keys in his pocket
And sets off for Ace.
Jacqui heads for the Goodwill shop.

He heads straight for Scarborough.
With specs for a screw in his pocket.
Life is good.


Kendall reads the writing on the packages.
He checks the prices and quality.
"This ten cent screw will do nicely
Waste not, want not"
And he heads for home.

But Kendall reads it wrong this time
The screw is too small; it doesn't fit.
A cloud comes 'round him.

Kendall says "You son of a whore!
Son of a bitch goddammit!
And his wife was sad then.

He throws the screwdriver down
And heads away to the north this time
"I'll find me the right screw
Or die trying."

But the kitchen is watching.
The kitchen loosens its couplings
It resets its circuits
And waits patiently for his return


Finally Kendall comes back
With a great big screw.
He tries to force it in
But the jobs too tough for him.
He pulls the screw out and his mind goes a drifting.

His book on kitchen renovations isn't far away.

Kendall Kendall Kendall
Not that bloody book
Water and electrics don't mix
I fear I'll never again cook

But Kendall's mind goes a drifting
And by and by he has a plan
Jacqui sighs and heads for the Salvation Army Shop.

Kendall says "OK"
He takes his hammer from his tool chest
And starts to swing it over his head.

But OH the kitchen is watching.
It makes the lights short out
And the washer leak.

The kitchen says "Listen. I've got something to tell you.
Kendall, hammering "I don't want to hear it"

But the kitchen protests. Makes the dishwasher stick.
Makes it hard for him to get it out.
Kendall knows he isn't getting anywhere.
He puts the hammer away.
And heads for the sledgehammer.

Kendall says "OK. Now I've got something to show you.
He batters the counter into splinters.
Soaps up the floor to make a slide
And slips the dishwasher out easily.

The kitchen says "What are you doing?"
Kendall says "Keep watching"

He rips the sink out now
Hauls it away out to the trash pile.
The dishwasher follows.
Then the flooring.
But oh the kitchen is watching.
It overloads the circuits.
Kendall can't see what he is doing now.

The kitchen says "You're screwed now.
No water; no kitchen;
Can't even take a piss.

Kendall says:
"I'm not afraid of water.
I'll use a Mason jar.
It will work again. Then I'll rip out the wall unit."

The kitchen says "I'll drop it on you!"
Kendall says "You drop it on me
And no one will turn the electrics back on.
Then Jacqui will see to you.

The kitchen says "You may be smarter
But I'm craftier. You watch.
And the kitchen starts to disintegrate.

Finally there's too much mess.
Kendall says "I can't do it any more"
Jacqui says "You bloody Yank. I want my kitchen back!"

Kendall picks the sledgehammer up
And his mind goes a drifting.
Jacqui wisely heads out for a church rummage sale.

Kendall sets a new dishwasher in place.
He paints the walls and lays a floor.
He installs a sink and a new fridge.

and washes up.
Clean kitchen; clean laundry.
The wife will be pleased.

But the kitchen shrugs and sends all his work a'reeling.
The sink leaks and washing machine overflows.
The tiles float off the floor and make the footing dangerous.
Kendall doesn't know what to do                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                              The water shorts the fridge.
Kendall falls ass over teakettle and lands in the doorway.
Kendall dying and the kitchen grins.

Kendall Kendall Kendall
Stay right where you lay
You're probably in shock
I'll get a Doc
We'll have to eat at the buffet.

So Kendall lays on the wet floor
And tries not to think of electrocution.
And he dreamed of her then.
He heard a great howling from the door
And he lifted his head.
He dreamed Jacqui was coming to him then.
As through the smoking kitchen she came
Hauling the cowering dog she came
And sympathizing to his arms.


In the morning they found him.
Asleep, with a bandage around his burned hand.
And there was a Brit lying on him there.
Like a mother protecting her child from falling debris.
And on the Brit was a big yellow dog.



Enjoy.