I bloody hate Comic Relief, or Red Nose Day as it's often called by people who have problems with words of more than one syllable. I've just been listening to Radio 4 and all the continuity announcements have been made by smug, mediocre, formerly 'alternative' comedians who obviously think they're that much cleverer than the rest of us because they can do something called 'Irony'.

By the way, why isn't there enough food to go around? Because Jo Brand and Dawn French have eaten it.

It must be awful in Africa, though. The rains fail, the crops wither, there's no water, your community and wracked by disease and just when you think things can't get any worse bloody Richard Curtis turns up with his chinos and his collarless shirt and his 'I'm married to Emma Freud' spectacles.

Still, at least it gives something for Billy Connolly to do now that he can't make people laugh anymore.

By the way, there was a show on last night about a group of 'celebrities' who raised £1m by climbing Kilimanjaro. I wonder how much it cost to send them there. Did they fly economy?

I don't need rich mediocrities telling me what to do with my money. I can make informed decisions about that - partly by using a handy little skill called reading. And I'm not buying the record, either.