(from the LP "Billy Connolly Live - In Concert")

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NINE AND A HALF GUITARS
(Billy Connolly)

I like to sing James Taylor songs, and songs by Carol King.
I'll even sing John Murphy songs, I'll sing anything.
But when I sing in social clubs, just one thing sickens me,
A wee drunk woman staggers up, and this is what she says to me.

Hey Jimmy, gonna gi' us Ten Guitars?
Her face has got a dozen battle scars,
Oh, I must have sang that song in a thousand bars.
Oh, I'm really getting sick of Ten Guitars.

Guitars were made for Rock and Roll, and no' this kind of trash.
Gimme a song wi' Stephen Stills, or even Johnny Cash.
But just when I start out to sing, some nice wee melody,
The same wee woman donners up, and this is what she says to me.

Hey Jimmy, oh c'mon, gi' us Ten Guitars.
Her face has got a thousand battle scars,
Oh, I must have sang that song in a thousand bars.
Oh, I'm really getting sick of Ten Guitars.

Oh, if I could get my hands on that big balm-pot Humperdinck,
I'd rip his tonsils out his throat, and stuff them down the sink.
Oh, I wish he'd never sang that song, or maybe something else instead,
I'd love to take his ten Guitars and wrap them around his head.

Hey Jimmy, oh c'mon, gi' us Ten Guitars.
Her face has got a million battle scars,
Oh, I must have sang that song in a thousand bars.
Oh, I'm really getting sick of Ten Guitars.

I'd love to break the strings on his Ten Guitars.


(c) (Mills) Valley Music Ltd
source: http://web.archive.org/web/20070613005405/http://freespace.virgin.net/martin.lewis/billy/

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And the original:

TEN GUITARS
(Gordon Mills)
Engelbert Humperdinck - 1966
Tom Jones - 1968
Also recorded by: Brendan Dugan; Melissa Gosselin; Tommy Scott;
Joe "Fingers" Webster & His River City Mainlanders.


I have a band of men and all they do is play for me
They come from miles around to hear them play a melody
Beneath the stars my ten guitars will play a song for you
And if you're with the one you love this is what you do

Oh, dance, dance, dance to my ten guitars
And very soon you know just where you are
Through the eyes of love you see a thousand stars
When you dance, dance, dance, to my ten guitars

Guitars are made for love my band of men will always say
So give each one a pretty girl and they will start to play
Beneath the stars my ten guitars will play a song for you
And if you're with the one you love this is what to do

Oh, dance, dance, dance to my ten guitars
And very soon you know just where you are
Through the eyes of love you see a thousand stars
When you dance, dance, dance, to my ten guitars

Ooh, let me tell you now
Dance, dance, dance to my ten guitars
Hm, come on, everybody,
Dance, dance, dance, to my ten guitars


source: http://www.lyrics007.com/Engelbert%20Humperdinck%20Lyrics/Ten%20Guitars%20Lyrics.html

And YouTube videos:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dy35Y-mMBmo&feature=related

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NT28_VC1hs0