I don't have a lot of time to frame a full answer and I may say more tomorrow.

Right now I think the most I can say accurately is that none of the flames themselves did me a bit of harm either as they occurred or as I thought about them later. The reason for this is that they were based so completely on stereotypes having little to do with me, that they just were amusing. (I mean, exclusively, the ones directed at me, and I do not know about nor understand the depths other people were driven to.)

So I was aiming for actual communication with TTCM, and until one particular day came when he went right over the edge, we had almost begun to have that capacity. But then the flames got really toxic toward other people, and I found it necessary to rebuke essentially blasphemous posts... it just is not OK in my framework to stand by and not address that. So there is another regret. I would have preferred the real communication.

But there were two really bad days. And they hurt me in a place I never displayed here, not attacks on my Christianness at all, as had been most of the flames.

The first was when someone whose past Mudcat experiences (pre-February, when I joined) are still a complete mystery to me, lashed out at me entirely unsolicited in a personal message over something that was of absolutely no concern to that individual. And I will never know if that was actually from the signed sender or if someone had hijacked a cookie, and the damage has not yet been undone so it makes any sense.

The other, much more hurtful, was when someone ELSE, a new friend, who had been taking the brunt of the flames for a long time, jumped with both feet inbto a misunderstanding with me in the personal pages that was so unexpected, given the lovely start we'd made, that I just cried for hours. And that is still not cleared up either.

So the problem I am having is that here is someone who wants to apologize, in part to me personally, but who does not yet seem to understand the real nature of the damage done. IMNSHO, the real damage was how the bad atmosphere came between people who meant to be friends, or at least not enemies.

And you know what-- TTCM would learn more about that, and have a better chance of growing from it as a person, if he stayed right here, as himself, openly, and grew himself some positive relationships, and addressed the damages within those. I invite you to that, with myself.

So I have decided that the best thing I can do is continue communicating with Michael K, outside the Forum, if he is interested in that. I remember finding him a pretty interesting fellow when I first joined, and I will go see what sort of personal messages we exchanged cuz I think there were a few.

And you know, apologies and catharsis and all these refelctions from all of us are nice, but we do not actually know who TTCM was for sure. We could spend another couple of months going around and around--- "No, it was ME!" "NO!! ME!!!" "It was HIM!" "Sometimes it was...... YOU!!!" Good Lord. Re-read The Crucible. I just don't need to go there, does anyone else? I mean, we can play detective, but what difference would it really make? The only direction that ever really makes any sense is forward, even if the wounds are still oozing. Yes, sometimes we have to retrace our steps to get to a solid fresh starting point, but then do we not need to head on forward?

I will say it again-- There is just no substitute for really getting to know another human being. And I will add, this time, that I cannot recall that effort ever having been wasted effort, no matter the result.

~S~