The Mudcat Café TM
Thread #120476 Message #2621613
Posted By: Barry Finn
29-Apr-09 - 09:27 PM
Thread Name: Opinion on these songs
Subject: RE: Opinion on these songs
Bulk Disposable World
This bulk disposable world is "really" convenient to me
I go outside and I get into my "big brand" new SUV
I "drive" down to the "Mega-Mart" thirty seconds down my home street
I fill up on crates of microwave junk food that I can throw out if I
don't finish it
Chorus
I'll use a world today and a world tomorrow, I usually use seven a week
And when I'm done with them all I put them out on the curd, and I don't care what happens
"really" try for someting not as drab that dances with the sentences & dresses it up for the scene
"big brand", nice go at the use of "b&b" but big brand new SUV was only half hearted, go the whole distance, call it a bad ass gas guzzler or something. Don't be lazy, fight to get it all out, you're already in the ring & doing pretty well.
"drive" don't just drive down the street, "cruise" of "careen careleesly" (make use of similar sounds c&c in this case)
You started to paint a potent picture, let the surrounding landscape help turn it into a masterpiece
"I've got no money to pull me through.
I've got no honey that feels true,
and I've got no time to talk to you"
Not bad but you can't dance on the words when you sing them & with the way you set up the last line you should be able to walk into that last line with anger, with the anger that you wrote it with. the first 2 lines were close to the jabs you seem to intended so that the 3rd line would be the combination. It's all there but the feeling of the punch landing.
You seem to be trying to imitate a cross between a lack-luster blues singer & a drab rapper, dig deeper & bring that punch out
Edge of a Knife
I've got no money to pull me through.
I've got no honey that feels true,
and I've got no time to talk to you
I've been playing these bars for all of my life.
I've been driving these cars that have gone to shit,
and I feel like I'm living on the edge of a knife
Chorus
Come over here and make me feel good.
I'll give you my heart if you give me some food.
Let's go upstairs and start acting rude
My bologna fund is running low.
I can't even afford some decent blow,
and there's some green on my foot and it's starting to grow
Would someone save me before I'm done in?
Would someone please save from this life of sin?
Could you please pull me out of this bottle of gin?
Chorus
Not bad use of rhyme scene. It does seem that you shaped the sentences though to fit the structure, try making the way you word it & the words you use in a way that you almost feel as if you are dancing your way up to the rhyme rather than forcing your way up to the rhyme
Question, your use of "shit" doesn't "fit" unless you're using it in the way the Irish say "shite" in that case cleaver but it didn't sound that way when you were singing
"and there's some green on my foot and it's starting to grow"
nice picture, you could deliver that picture with more shock or strike. Here it almost seems as if you were happy to settle with an only "matter of fact" piece of scenery when if gone a little further it would've been a "striking scenario".
Do work on the announciation, it was a bit hard to follow with understanding.
I concur with most of what's been said above including the potential factor.
You'll have to wade through playing & singing other styles before delevoping & finding your own but work on your own strengths (you'll find them with use) & keep fitting them in until you find what works best for you, it won't be easy & it'll take time & practice. Don't be afraid to "Jump" out of the box & let yourself go & flow, get loose, slack, wild, go where you've never gone before (just being funny here).
So after all that don't take what I or anyone else said as truth, take it with scepticism & work out what you think & feel will work for you.
If 5 people called me an asshole, I'd take it seriously, if only one hit on that I'd question it.
Good luck
Barry