New Employment Policies:
SICKNESS: We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.
SURGERY: Operations are now banned. As long as you are an employee you need all your organs. You should not consider removing anything. We hired you intact. To have something removed constitutes a breach of employment.
YOUR OWN DEATH: This will be accepted as an excuse. However, we require at least two weeks notice as it is your duty to train your replacement.
REST ROOM USE: Entirely too much time is being spent in the rest room. In the future, we will follow the practice of going in alphabetical order. For instance, those whose names begin with 'A' will go from 8:00 to 8:10,employees whose names begin with 'B' will go from 8:10 to 8:20 and so on. If you're unable to go at your time, it will be necessary to wait until the next day when your time comes again. In extreme emergencies employees may swap their time with a coworker. Both employees' supervisors in writing must approve this exchange. In addition, there is now a strict 3-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm bell will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, and the stall door will open.
PAYCHECK GUIDE: The following helpful guide has been prepared to help our employees better understand their paychecks:
Gross pay $1,222.02 Income tax $ 244.40 Outgo tax $ 45.21 State tax $ 11.61 Interstate tax $ 61.10 County tax $ 6.11 City tax $ 12.22 Rural tax $ 4.44 Back tax $ 1.11 Front tax $ 1.16 Side tax $ 1.61 Up tax $ 2.22 Down tax $ 1.11 Tic-Tacs $ 1.98 Thumbtacks $ 3.93 Carpet tacks $ 0.98 Stadium tax $ 0.69 Flat tax $ 8.32 Surtax $ 3.46 Corporate tax $ 2.60 Parking fee $ 5.00 F.I.C.A. $ 81.88 T.G.I.F. Fund $ 9.95 Life insurance $ 5.85 Health insurance $ 16.23 Dental insurance $ 4.50 Mental insurance $ 4.33 Reassurance $ 0.11 Disability $ 2.50 Ability $ 0.25 Liability $ 3.41 Unreliability $ 10.99 Coffee $ 6.85 Coffee Cups $ 66.51 Floor rental $ 16.85 Chair rental $ 0.32 Desk rental $ 4.32 Union dues $ 5.85 Union don'ts $ 3.77 Cash advance $ 0.69 Cash retreats $ 121.35 Overtime $ 1.26 Undertime $ 54.83 Eastern time $ 9.00 Central time $ 8.00 Mountain time $ 7.00 Pacific time $ 6.00 Time Out $ 12.21 Oxygen $ 10.02 Water $ 16.54 Heat $ 51.42 Cool air $ 26.83 Hot air $ 20.00 Miscellaneous $ 113.29 Sundry $ 12.09 Various $ 8.01 Net Take Home Pay $ 0.02
Thank you for your loyalty. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. All questions, comments, concerns, Complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternations, or input should be directed elsewhere.
Have a nice week.