My heartfelt condolences. Prayers flutter on the breeze from California to you. May they bring a tiny spark of comfort.
Claire
P.S. This passage has helped me though some difficult times, although I have never had times as difficult as yours:
"The death of each of us is in the order of things: It follows life as surely as night follows day. We can take The Tree of Life as a symbol. The human race is the trunk and branches of this tree, and individual men and women are the leaves, which appear one season, flourish for a summer, and then die. I too am a leaf of this tree and one day I shall be torn off by a storm, or simply decay and fall — and become part of the earth about its roots.
"But, while I live, I am conscious of the tree's flowing sap and steadfast strength. Deep down in my consciousness is the consciousness of a collective life, a life of which I am a part, and to which I make a minute — but unique — contribution. When I die and fall the tree remains, nourished to some small degree by my manifestation of life. Millions of leaves have preceded me and millions will follow me: but the tree itself grows and endures."